Who I want to see in the new Super Smash Bros.: Part 1

When 6-year-old me first played Super Smash Bros on my N64 I popped such a kiddie boner. At least four. Simultaneously. Don’t try to picture it. It was easily one of the best games of my childhood; my little brain couldn’t conceive the awesomeness of it all among other things (like why Banjo-Kazooie wasn’t included). But I digress, as a long-time fan of the SSB series, I’m popping adult-sized –  albeit, average at best adult-sized –  boners over the anticipation of the latest installment of the series on the 3DS and Wii U.

Story by Mathieu Saenz

In four fortnights, Nintendo will announce some new smashers in the fray before their October 3rd release date for the 3DS, I’ve grown all kinds of restless. I can’t rest is what I’m trying to say. Disclaimer: with so little time left it’s unlikely that any non-returning character I could want in the game to actually be included, but it’s fun to speculate anyway. So without further ‘achu here’s who I really want to – but probably won’t – see on the roster.

Goku never had to sneak rocks into his spirit bomb. Photo courtesy of gaiaonline.com.

Goku never had to sneak rocks into his spirit bomb. Photo courtesy of gaiaonline.com.

Isaac from Golden Sun

What? The original Golden Sun is one of the best games to have ever graced the Game Boy Advance. A well-crafted title reminiscent of the styling of early Final Fantasy games. It’s truly a shame that Golden Sun was outsold by the GBA’s video game adaption of “Finding Nemo.”

Who? Isaac is a swordsman gifted with psychic energy powers, cleverly titled “Psynergy,” donned with the task of saving the world of Weyward. He comes from a long-standing video game tradition of strong, silent type heroes. Sure, Smash Bros. already has a nice handful of sword wielding characters to choose from, but none that possess the ability to essentially earth-bend and use tiny flying genies!

The fact that Isaac hasn’t been seen as a returning assist trophy spells good news for the citizen of Vale. However, it’s still not very likely that Isaac makes his SSB debut in October for a couple of reasons. First off, Camelot developed Golden Sun so that’s already an obstacle Nintendo has to tackle. Then the straw that is likely to break the Camelot’s back is that Isaac isn’t even the most recent main character in the series. This makes Isaac a little dated in the series. He’s sort of stuck in the limbo-realm that isn’t quite classic yet, but isn’t relevant enough either. But there are tons of great moves for Nintendo to choose from, I don’t see how they could not seriously consider adding my boy Isaac… Go play Golden Sun please.

“You fool! This isn’t even my final form!” Photo courtesy of igoumedia.com.

“You fool! This isn’t even my final form!” Photo courtesy of igoumedia.com.

Mewtwo from Pokémon

What? I don’t think the Pokémon franchise gets enough credit. When people think of Nintendo, they usually go to Mario, Zelda or Halo: Reach…wait – I may have to check my sources. At any rate, Pokémon games have dominated sales on all of Nintendo’s handheld devices, usually rising to the number one spot in sales.

Who? Have you played SSB Melee? In case you didn’t know, Mewtwo made his only Smash Bros. appearance there. He – she? It – is arguably the most badass character in the roster. The way it moves, its taunts, its attacks, everything about Mewtwo is the best. I take back what I said; it’s not even arguable. Mewtwo is the most badass character in Melee. On top of that, this genderless psychic is one of the most iconic Pokémon in the series. Go watch “Pokémon: The Movie” and try telling me I’m wrong. Since we haven’t seen Jigglypuff yet (praise Arceus) I believe there’s a good possibility No. 150 may be reclaiming its spot this year and elbowing out the Jiggles. Plus with Pokémon X/Y’s #ThrowbackThursday-esque spotlight that was shone on Mewtwo, our favorite science-project-gone-wrong may have regained its popularity not seen since the 20th century. Plus, with Charizard’s mega evolution already confirmed as its final smash, it’s safe to assume that we could see the same for Mewtwo. And who wouldn’t want that?! Only those who dare to stand in Mewtwo’s way, that’s who.

Me on my way to steal yo roster spot! Photo courtesy of fanpop.com.

Me on my way to steal yo roster spot! Photo courtesy of fanpop.com.

Toad from the Mario franchise

What? The Mushroom Kingdom is one of the most famous and longest-standing empires in all of gaming. Which comes as a huge surprise seeing as how its ruler, Princess Peach, spends more time locked away than Martha Stewart. You guys remember that? Remember Martha Stewart? Never forget.

Who? I know a lot of people are going to say that Toad is about as unique as a common-variety mushroom. To which I say, “C’mon! Toad’s a fun guy!” Fungi. There’s a joke in there somewhere. I’ll admit Toad isn’t much of a distinctive character. But with Captain Toad set to launch this holiday, it seems that a great marketing move would be to get all us smashers acclimated to the mushroom-headed hero. One of the biggest nails in the coffin for Toad’s chances of appearing is the fact that a Toad still appears as Princess Peach’s counter attack in the next installment. However, it’s perfectly feasible that instead of the generic Toad we can hope for the specific character Captain Toad or Toadette to enter the brawl. If nothing else, can we at least see Luigi pop a few Toads in his mouth before he enters his final smash, “Negative Zone?”

Finn from Adventure Time could easily be an alternate skin. Photo courtesy of challengerapproaching.tumblr.com.

Finn from Adventure Time could easily be an alternate skin. Photo courtesy of challengerapproaching.tumblr.com.

Maxwell from Scribblenauts

What? For those of you unfamiliar with Scribblenauts, it is a puzzle game where you allowed to bring just about anything into existence to help you solve the problem at hand. When Scribblenauts first appeared at E3, or the Electronic Entertainment Expo, in 2009, it was one of the most well received games and won several “Best of Show” awards from various outlets. Since 2009, the original Scribblenauts has seen four different successors.

I’m sure there’s already porn of this somewhere. Photo courtesy of dualshockers.com.

I’m sure there’s already porn of this somewhere. Photo courtesy of dualshockers.com.

Bayonetta from Bayonetta

What? The original Bayonetta is a widely-praised hack and slash title that hit shelves in 2009/2010. Its sequel, Bayonetta 2, was announced in 2012 as a Wii U exclusive, to be published by Nintendo and developed by Platinum Games and is one of the most anticipated games of the Wii U.

Who? Bayonetta, the titular character, is a witch who does battle with angelic enemies. Not the typical character you imagine when thinking of Nintendo. So why should she be added to Smash’s roster? Because is there a more badass looking character in Nintendo’s arsenal of characters? No. Well maybe, but I’m not going to think that hard. The point is that she’s a witch that can shape shift and doesn’t get into silly high school hijinks! Plus, it’s very apparent that females in SSB aren’t as abundant as males #YesAllWomen. Even less abundant is the number of characters rockin’ some swag high-heels. If Bayonetta doesn’t make an appearance, Zero Suit Samus is going to feel pretty silly out there being the only one. Putting aside the fact that Bayonetta originally debuted on PS3/Xbox360 and that Nintendo is barely getting into the witchcraft this October, there’s still the annoyance that Sega owns the franchise. Although it is unlikely that Bayonetta will appear in more than just her own sequel this October, it sure would be swell to see her do battle with her newly adopted Nintendo family.

Featured image courtesy of dualshockers.com

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